girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
