I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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