You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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