if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
