You just made me feel so damn special
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
