suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
