Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
