my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Less talking, more tequila
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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