That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
