i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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