I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
