woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
