She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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