just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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