The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
