Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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