apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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