I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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