Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
