Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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