Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
