oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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