seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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