he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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