im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
