im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
