Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
