is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
