Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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