Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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