If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
