Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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