First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
