I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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