I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
