Only a mothe r could love this liver
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
