he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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