i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
