you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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