Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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