I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
