When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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