im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?