I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
