Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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