At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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