We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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