u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
