Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
