Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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