I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
