Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
