How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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