just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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